Category Archives: Recovery
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, but I hadn’t figured out a way of articulating it. Now that it’s Easter Sunday and I’m up waaaay too early for my liking, I figure that my creative juices should be flowing, so why not write it now?
Of late, my eats (I hate the word diet) haven’t been the healthiest. I’ve been eating chocolate, cakes, processed meats, etc. for quite a while now and I’ve been feeling it. I have had no energy and I’ve just all round been feeling like crap. Mentally eating this way doesn’t affect me, but physically I’m suffering.
I discussed it with a close friend who’s digestive system is very much like mine (IBS, anyone?) and she’s been making healthy changes to her way of eating such as having smoothies, less processed foods, less FODMAP foods, less sugar, and she says she’s been feeling much better.
However, I am in two minds. I’ve been trying to add healthier foods into my day, but it’s really been making the orthorexic thoughts in my mind go crazy. I have an all or nothing personality when it comes to my “diet” and so on days when I haven’t eaten anything like chocolate, etc. and then I suddenly feel like chocolate, the thoughts go rampant wanting me to not go near it because I’ve been eating so healthy so far and that having a piece or two of chocolate will ruin it. Despite these thoughts, I’ve been eating chocolate anyway because I don’t want to deprive myself of what I truly want. But I hate that when I choose to eat healthier, these thoughts come rushing back.
I’m not saying that I’ve been acting on these thoughts. There is no way in hell that I’m going to go back to that dark place in my head.
I have to admit that I have been feeling better since I’ve chosen to add healthier foods and I’m most definitely NOT cutting back on foods like I did in the past when I chose to eat healthier. Today is Easter and I’m certainly not going to go without chocolate! Could you imagine a life without chocolate? I don’t even want to think about it…
I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and if so, how did you overcome it? I know that I just have to tell myself the honest reason as to why I’m choosing to be healthier, but I’m just scared that I’m kidding myself. I do like that I’m trying different foods and feeling better all round, but I just don’t like the effect that it’s having on my mind…
On a jollier note, Happy Easter!!!!! 😀
I feel passionately about helping people struggling with eating disorders and anxiety. I have had a lot of experience with both and it was a long and hard struggle.
I have to deal with my anxiety on a day-to-day basis and some days are easier than others. I’ve talked about my anxiety struggle here and the journey hasn’t been easy. There are days when I feel completely relaxed and others where I feel so on edge that I feel like I’m gonna pass out or throw up. But seriously, I don’t think I would be able to control my anxiety as well as I do these days without the help of medication.
Medication isn’t for everyone but for a long time, I thought the same thing about myself. I believed that taking anti-depressants would make a numb and would change who I am. I believed they would completely change me or make me gain weight or make me ill. It wasn’t until my anxiety started to affect my life that I decided it was time to take that step.
Medication isn’t the be all and end all, however. Once you start taking it, it doesn’t mean you have to take it forever. Medication is something to help you get on your feet. I remember talking to my mum about going on medication and she gave me some great advice. She said,
“If you had high blood pressure, you would take medication to bring i down, wouldn’t you? It’s just like that. There is something that isn’t right medically and medication is a way to help with that.”
She is completely right! If you need that little bit of help to be able to control your anxiety (or depression) then why not?
I’ve been taking citalopram for over a year now and I think it’s one of the best choices I’ve ever made. When I decided to start with medication, I was so crippled with anxiety that just stepping out of my house was a struggle. I couldn’t do things that scared me and it was affecting my recovery. Because I was anxious all the time, I really struggled to eat a sufficient amount, started losing my hair, and worst of all, I was losing weight. I did NOT want the anxiety to make it harder to recover.
Thankfully now, I have been able to reach a more than healthy weight, do things that scare me and basically live my life.
Medication isn’t for everyone but it has definitely worked for me.
What are your thoughts on medication? Have you ever taken medication to help you with anxiety/depression? If so, did it work for you?
Thank you for your awesome comments on my last post. Ugh, the Fitspiration movement just gets me so heated. It’s a disgusting movement and it makes me sad to see people following it and thinking that they’re being healthy. Oh well, it’s not my life. Not anymore.
For the past week, I’ve been housesitting for one of my brothers friends. When he asked me a month ago if I’d be interested I kind of freaked out and immediately thought, NO! But you know what? I scared myself and accepted to do it. I’ve never been flatting or relied on myself for food so I thought it would be a good little experiment for me to see how I handled it. Oh, and having a good friend to stay with me is always fun 😛
But when I got here, I realised that I had forgotten something really important…
My kitchen scales.
*Gasp* Katy, what are you doing with kitchen scales? Why do you need to be measuring your food? Just gimme a second to explain, please.
At the beginning of my recovery, I needed to start measuring food so that I didn’t use too little amounts. That was over two years ago. But because I’ve just never thought about giving them up, I just…haven’t done it.
Now that I’m all of sudden faced to eat food without measuring it first, it kind of brought about some anxiety for me. I never even thought I had a problem with this but then again I had never given myself the opportunity to face this.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t measure everything. Just things like oats, rice, cereal, etc. But to be honest, I kind of need to measure my oats and rice so that I get the right liquid to dry ratio. Or is that just an excuse? I can’t tell!
It’s been a week now without my scales and I’m not too bothered, to be honest. Like I said, at first it made me anxious but now I don’t really care. It’s all about intuitive eating right? Scales shouldn’t be determining how much our bodies needs. Serving sizes on packets should not be determining how much we should be eating. Our bodies know how much we should be eating. They will tell us when we’re hungry and they will tell us when we’re fall. Sometimes we will eat when we’re not hungry and not eat enough when we are hungry. It’s all about practice. Learning how to eat intuitively isn’t easy but it’s incredibly liberating.
I think I need to find some space in our cupboards at home for yet another disordered measuring implement.
Have you ever struggled with giving up your measuring scales? Have you ever even struggled with this? Tips?
[WARNING: Contain offensive language.]
OK, these thoughts have been spinning round and round in my head for so long and the more I think about it and the more I see the stupid comments that we (us at the Libero Network) get about this, the more I get angry about it.
If you don’t know what Fitspiration is, it is a movement created by people to encourage others to exercise and get fit.
That’s great! I have nothing against people encouraging others to exercise and feel good about themselves. Exercise is good for the body when done in moderation and for the right reasons.
But when images like this
are plastered on social networking sites and all over the media, it’s beginning to get too much.
To me, the Fitspiration movement has become more of a cult, encouraging others to feel bad about themselves as they are and strive for this ideal body that, as I said, is being plastered all over the internet.
Not only that, but they chose a name much like that of the anorexic “Thinspiration” movement, which, as many of you know, has disturbing images of skeletal girls and boys standing around looking half-dead. Why would you name a supposed healthy exercise movement that is similar to the thinspiration movement?
I mean, really?
People are fighting back against the Libero Network’s “Stop Fitspiration” movement saying that because we are saying this, we must be fat and lazy, etc.
No, that is not why are against Fitspiration. When people see these images, they start to feel bad about themselves. They start to feel as though they’re not doing enough exercise or they’re not trying hard enough. Not only is it making people feel bad because their bodies don’t look like those in the images, it’s making people strive for this “ideal” body, which is unrealistic for people that don’t exercise for a career.
People are being brainwashed into thinking that these kind of messages are good to spread around, particularly in the blog world.
To me, it’s exercise-addiction masquerading as a healthy message and is very much like “Thinspiration”. In fact, it would appear that Fitspiration is the new Thinspiration.
As someone who went from looking at “thinspiration” on the internet to looking up to ripped people like Jillian Michaels and certain celebrities, my obsession was to no longer be thin but to look toned and lean. And oh boy, did I get carried away with the messages these people were sending out.
I couldn’t go a day without exercising for 2 hours because I was being told by society that it was the right thing to do. I was exercising harder and harder every time to the point where my heart started palpitating during my workouts. it got to the point where I was so injured that every single workout was painful.
It’s been over two years since I gave up my addiction to exercise and began my journey of mending my relationship with my body and exercise and my body is still recovering. Even though I’m at a healthy weight and my body is functioning properly, when I go out for a walk or do some yoga, I still feel pain in my joints. It’s everlasting. I regret those years that I pushed my body so hard. When I hear these messages saying, “You never regret a workout”, I can honestly say that I have regretted many a workout. I have regretted ever letting these stupid messages get to me.
I am still in the process of mending my relationship with exercise and these fitspiration messages are definitely not helping, but when I read them, I just have to laugh because they are so ludicrous.
Let’s take the second image above for example:
“You can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel sorry tomorrow. You choose.”
Are you FUCKING serious? Come on people, I know you’re smarter than that! What message is this giving people? It is telling people that if they don’t exercise, they should feel guilty! WHY SHOULD WE FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT? It’s hard enough having the voice in your head making you feel guilty and now we are being told to feel guilty from external sources?
Particularly when people that usually get involved in this movement are those that feel insecure already. This is just adding gasoline and butane gas to the already raging fire!
I know I’m probably going to get some pretty bad backlash from this but I don’t care. This is my opinion and this blog is my outlet. If you like Fitspiration then good for you. But don’t try and make myself and others who are struggling with body image and self-love feel bad about ourselves because you do.
Please note: I am in recovery from an eating disorder and is someone who has had much experience with the Fitspiration movement. This is my own personal opinion. Do not call me fat or lazy because I am against Fitspiration. If that’s the only comeback you have, then that really says something…