Category Archives: Family

Mamma Mia…

So…it’s kind of been a while, hasn’t it?

My life has been extremely stressful of late. Not due to my own happenings but because my Mum’s partner broke up with her about a month ago and Mum hasn’t been taking it very well.

She came to stay with me and Dad for about 3 weeks which was by no means easy. It’s not easy to see you Mum cry, threaten to kill herself and rely on you to keep her sane.

I have to concentrate on my studies on top of all this and it is just so damn hard. I just don’t even know what to do, to be honest. I’ve talked to my counsellor and she’s telling me to take a step back and stop acting like her mum but if I did, I would feel like I would be abandoning her.

I’ve been giving Mum a lot of tools to help her move forward and she has been taking them onboard but it’s like I have to constantly remind her what it is that I told her last.

What irks me is that they have a son together and her ex doesn’t even seem to care. It’s sick.

I am currently sitting on Mum’s couch because a few months ago I had already organised to see her – not expecting to see her prior to this. All I’ve been witnessing is her ex and herself fighting back and forth. I have lost all respect for her ex, K. She broke up with her a month after her mum died, and then she proceeds to treat her like shit.

Thankfully, I’m sitting with her doggy, Harry, and he is making me happy to be here…sort of.

Suffice it to say I have been struggling with my anxiety during this period but it could be so much worse, I guess.

 My Easter break ends this week and I’m back to regular lectures. Uni is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. Well, uni, my Dad and, my friends. I don’t know what I would do without them.

On a positive note, I have been learning a lot from this experience and it just goes to show how much I have learnt from my own experiences and I am only 22! Mum suffers from major depression which doesn’t help her situation but I think the fact that she is receiving advice from someone who has overcome their own depression makes it easier for her to take advice from me.

Hopefully the next time I update, I have something happier to talk about. I’m very sick of all this change. I need some stability. Just for a little while.



The ‘A’ Word

Yep, this week has been tough due to, yes, the ‘A’ word. 

hate that word. I hate what the word means, what it represents for me and how it cripples me. If you don’t know what it is, the word is:


It came out of the blue. On Sunday night, my Brother stayed over because his wife was away and he was feeling sad and lonely. On Monday morning when I got out of the shower, he told me that he couldn’t face going into work that day because he was feeling like crap. Not physically but mentally. 

This was when the anxiety started.

I think it’s safe to say that I worry too much. I worry that my family aren’t happy and when they’re feel grief, I want to take it all away from them and feel it for them because I would rather myself suffer than to know that they are suffering. I’m used to suffering from emotional distress anyway but it just doesn’t work like that. My Brother went home Monday night and as the week drew on, the anxiety was becoming so crippling that I couldn’t face the world and yet I literally forced myself to go into work no matter how sick I felt because I knew that I couldn’t hide away. I knew that the anxiety would lessen eventually but I just had to get myself to work. 

On Wednesday, I emailed the Student Counselling Services and made an appointment for the next day. I had to kick this is the butt fast. And you know what? Seeking help that day was the best thing I could have done. Not only did the counsellor help me with my anxiety, she helped me to realise that my family are upset because they are still grieving the loss of my Grandmother. I am as well but I guess I’m focussing on my family’s well being in order to take the focus off of mine. The counsellor gave me some tips as to how I can calm myself down and be kind to myself when I feel like I’m about to have an attack. Seriously, this woman helped me so much.

Up until this appointment, I had been unable to eat properly all week and as soon as I left her office, I pulled out my cookies and ate them as I walked to work. I felt at peace and I felt OK about everything going on. I still hate the fact that my family is hurting but that’s what happens when someone we love dies and we just have to let them grieve in their own way. The grief lessens over time but right now the pain is still raw, especially for my Mum, and I have to let them deal with it in their own way. People die all the time and even though it sucks so – freaking – much, we just have to accept it.

Today, I’m going to be kind to myself and catch up on all the food that I have missed this week. I’m going to paint my nails, bask in the sunshine and go out for some retail therapy. 

I want to thank Hedda, Sam, Marina, Kate, Jess, Scarlett and Kirsty for helping me so much via Twitter this week. You have no idea how much I appreciate your love and support and the fact that you guys believed in me really made me believe that I could get through it. Thank you all so much ❤

Anna and Cara, you are both so amazing and I don’t know where I would be without you two. You are rocks in my life and I feel so grateful to have you both as friends. Love you crazy girlies ❤

Question: Do you have any tips on managing anxiety? 

A Thank You & Health Update

Thank you all so much for the condolences on my Nan’s passing. I’ve come to terms with it now and feel comforted that she is now looking down on me all the time which is something she couldn’t do while she was alive. 

Soon after finding out about her passing, I booked a plane ticket to go and visit my Mum up north because I knew she would be struggling to cope while waiting for her flight the coming Saturday. My Mum also suffers from depression and anxiety so I thought it would be best for me to go because I understand her emotions. Strangely, those few days I spent with my Mum were so much fun, I’m so glad that I went! We talked about our feelings, played Wii sports (I rock at tennis, just sayin’), watched TV together and we had cuddles as mummy and daughter should 🙂 Her partner told me that me visiting meant so much to my Mum and it really helped her. It just makes me so happy that I managed to make a difference.

When my Mum left on the plane, her partner and I were trying so hard not to cry just so that we could make it easier for Mum because it was hard enough knowing that she was going to be in transit for 28 hours. Mum messaged me from Dubai airport saying that my visit was just what she needed and that she loved me very much. I love my Mummy 🙂

I also wanted to slide in the fact that after Mum left, her partner and I went to McDonald’s and ordered a McChicken combo. Can I just say how amazingly awesome that was? I thoroughly enjoyed it yet it did nothing for my hunger so I had a carrot. Funnily enough the carrot did more for my satiety than the burger, fries and coke. Just a random piece of information there.

When I arrived home on Sunday evening, I came home to my BRAND NEW BED! To put it into perspective for you, my bed is older than I am. No wonder I’ve been having back and joint issues! I accidentally slept in this morning because it was just so comfy! Oops.

On another note, I went to the doctors today in order to get a repeat prescription for my iron tablets and anxiety pills. While I was there, we discussed my iron levels and more about my pill options. I talked about my past with the pill here which makes me very hesitant to try the pill again. The doc did offer to put me on a low dose oestrogen pill which was great, HOWEVER, it meant forking out $142 for just a 3 month supply which I could definitely not afford so I decided not to take it. I told her this today and she said she can try putting me on Mercilon which is also a low dose oestrogen pill but it usually not offered to patients due to higher risk of blood clots. Fun times for me. I’m going to give it a try and if it makes me pukey like the last one then I’m not going to even bother with the pill.

She then asked about my iron levels and was wondering that if I don’t get my period, then where is all my iron going? I’ve been suffering from low iron lately even though I’m taking high dose iron pills (which goes to show you can’t solely rely on a pill for nutrients). My hair has been falling out and I’ve been struggling to stay awake at work. My doctor wants to get to the bottom of this because I should have fine iron levels. She was throwing conditions like coeliacs disease up in the air which got me really frightened. I know wheat and I aren’t best buds (due to the fructans in wheat) but I didn’t think it would be gluten. Surely, gluten intolerance would make me very ill…not just tired. Oh well, I guess this means more blood tests. Yay? Oh, and due to recent events (figuring out what foods I can and can’t eat, dealing with anxiety, Nan’s passing) I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight since July. I’m not worried about this because I know that when everything is sorted, I will gain it back very easily but I’m just annoyed, ya know? I tried so hard to gain it and I went through a phase where I was unhappy with my thighs and what not but now that it’s gone I actually miss it. Funny that.

Questions: Have you ever been on the Mercilon contraceptive pill before?
When was the last time you had McDonald’s??? 😉 

A Last Goodbye

This isn’t the jolly post that I was hoping to right at 10 o’clock at night but if you’ve been following me on Twitter, you’ll know that my Nan back in England has been in hospital for the past week or so. Unfortunately today, I received a text message from my Mum saying that Nan has slipped into a coma and they don’t think that she will have long to live. Of course, I had to be at work when she sent me this and I started to weep. Knowing that she was unconscious and unable to hear what was going on around her was mortifying to me – even worse than death, in my opinion. At this point, I knew I couldn’t stay at work so I texted a good friend who dropped what she was doing to come and see me. I left work and I received a good dose of retail therapy and then I checked my phone to see that I had a missed call. Confused, I texted my Brother to ask if he had called. A few minutes later, my phone rang again. This time I answered it and my greatest fear was realised…

Nan didn’t make it.

My friend rubbed my arm and it was hard for me not to cry at the weakness of my Brother’s voice over the phone. It’s so hard to be on the other side of the world when a loved one is unwell. You just want to be there with them and hold their hand.

Knowing that she has passed is incredibly sad but it’s a relief at the same time. For a long time, I’ve sensed that she hasn’t had much longer to live. She hadn’t developed anything like dementia, luckily, but she found it very difficult to get around without assistance. But knowing that she has been taken from us makes me angry because she still had her “marbles”, so to speak. She hadn’t forgotten who we were, nor did we have to shout at her to make sure that she could hear us. I feel a mixture of sadness and anger towards her passing.

My Grandfather died when I was 2 or 3 so I don’t remember much about him but my Nan has done well to live with the hole in her heart for such a long time. 

I feel so relieved that I was able to see her last year while I was away in England. We only spent a few hours with her but those few hours will always be remembered. 

She may not still be here with us but she is still living in my heart and she will forever be there…living with me.

Nan, I will never forget you. I will never forget your kindness and your strength. I will always appreciate the gifts you have always given me and the letters we used to write to each other. You made me feel so special. I wish I got to know more about you when I still had the chance. You are an amazing woman to have adopted two children in need of a mother and a home and to also accept my Mother for who she really is is quite remarkable. You’ve always accepted and loved her no matter what her sexuality. Thank you for putting up with the countless times that we watched Mary Poppins in your living room. Thank you for all the money you’ve sent me over the years. I put it to good use, I promise. Thank you for never forgetting my birthday and always sending a card, no matter how difficult it was for you to hold a pen. Thank you for always acknowledging my academic achievements and telling me how proud you are of me.

There are so many things I want to thank you for. But most importantly, thank you for always loving me. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman and thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for everything. I just…thank you.

I’m sorry that I can’t be there to say goodbye but I sent you a letter and some photos that I hope you’ll enjoy. 

I love you so much and I’m sure you’re happy to be with Grandad once again. Give my love to him and thank him for watching over me for all this time. I will miss you so much. So much that words can’t even describe how much I’m going to miss you. 

So much love,