In Two Minds

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, but I hadn’t figured out a way of articulating it. Now that it’s Easter Sunday and I’m up waaaay too early for my liking, I figure that my creative juices should be flowing, so why not write it now?

Of late, my eats (I hate the word diet) haven’t been the healthiest. I’ve been eating chocolate, cakes, processed meats, etc. for quite a while now and I’ve been feeling it. I have had no energy and I’ve just all round been feeling like crap. Mentally eating this way doesn’t affect me, but physically I’m suffering.

I discussed it with a close friend who’s digestive system is very much like mine (IBS, anyone?) and she’s been making healthy changes to her way of eating such as having smoothies, less processed foods, less FODMAP foods, less sugar, and she says she’s been feeling much better.

However, I am in two minds. I’ve been trying to add healthier foods into my day, but it’s really been making the orthorexic thoughts in my mind go crazy. I have an all or nothing personality when it comes to my “diet” and so on days when I haven’t eaten anything like chocolate, etc. and then I suddenly feel like chocolate, the thoughts go rampant wanting me to not go near it because I’ve been eating so healthy so far and that having a piece or two of chocolate will ruin it. Despite these thoughts, I’ve been eating chocolate anyway because I don’t want to deprive myself of what I truly want. But I hate that when I choose to eat healthier, these thoughts come rushing back.

I’m not saying that I’ve been acting on these thoughts. There is no way in hell that I’m going to go back to that dark place in my head.

I have to admit that I have been feeling better since I’ve chosen to add healthier foods and I’m most definitely NOT cutting back on foods like I did in the past when I chose to eat healthier. Today is Easter and I’m certainly not going to go without chocolate! Could you imagine a life without chocolate? I don’t even want to think about it…

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and if so, how did you overcome it? I know that I just have to tell myself the honest reason as to why I’m choosing to be healthier, but I’m just scared that I’m kidding myself. I do like that I’m trying different foods and feeling better all round, but I just don’t like the effect that it’s having on my mind…

On a jollier note, Happy Easter!!!!! šŸ˜€



Posted on 31 March 2013, in FODMAP, Food, Health, Recovery. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Yes. Not overcome it yet. But I really am learning to go with it. ‘Freely eating’. Allowing myself everything. But taking some vitamin supplements. And as I start to become more aware of my body (again) I realize sometimes there are days I don’t crave any of the ‘bad stuff’, and days/weeks I don’t eat anything fresh. Its a learning game I think. But if your mind goes bonanzas just at the thought of ‘having to’ eat healthier, maybe you should simply just follow your cravings a bit longer. No green smoothie (however hip in the blogosphere) is worth letting the monster back in. (IMO!)

  2. I can definitely understand where you are coming from with this. With currently being in treatment for an Ed, but also dealing with legit digestive issues (even pre Ed) – it’s a slippery slope. I would say go with your gut on what you think is best in terms of your health – physical AND mental. If cutting out all this stuff is going to drive thoughts into over-board leading to behaviors than (in my opinion) it isn’t worth it, but continuing on the current path doesn’t sound like it’s working. Perhaps a compromise? I know FODMAPS can cause a crap ton of problems as with gluten and lactose – so maybe go for those? Or which ever foods you think seem to be causing the biggest issues. I know that IGG immunologic reactions tend to occur on average three days after consumption of the problem food. For example, if I consume dairy on Monday I won’t start dealing with major distress until later on Wednesday – it’s strange. Biggest suggestion – think inside and outside the box, but don’t compromise either mental health or physical health in doing so. I hope you are able to figure out something that works well for you!

  3. Oh wow I could have written this myself. You can email me if you want! I’m much older than you…but bad habits for a long long time now. In an underweight position all over again, lethargic, no energy…headaches, brain fog…BUT I “binge’ at night on “safe foods” (yogurt, fruit, rice cakes, nut butters and CHOCOLATE….i literally eat 30-50 grams of chocolate EVERY night…every single night)…and ibs? OH YES, constipation is now my problem and constarnt stitching in guts (esp. the lower left side)….and sluggish and lethargic…I think I’m sensitive to foods cause I eat the same things and overdo the late night “binging” YET I am at a cross…
    to “cleanse” out my poor body and start over and be goood
    BUT then that’s the issue
    the true digestion issues need to be straightened out (and my bad habits and overeting) BUT the orthorexia…ugh..I’m lost bigtime…

    I have found a lot of these posts lately of interest:

    Anyway, I hear you bigtime!! You’re not alone!

    • Thank you SO much for this! I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position, but I hope that you’ll be able to overcome it! These links are amazing, thank you šŸ™‚
      Recovery is much harder with ibs, isn’t it?

      Take care xxx

  4. Katy, I think you do put into words many people’s personal experiences with this post. For me, I ran some bloods and other tests last year to find out why my periods still hadn’t returned naturally despite having maintained a normal weight for my height/commensurate to the other women in my family. It turns out that my body had stopped producing oestrogen naturally, and as an outcome of this I have osteoporosis, high cholesterol and was also diagnosed as pre-diabetic. A whole gamut of exercise routines and recommended diets ensued from my GP, specialist, naturopath etc. By the end of last year I realised that my life had once again been taken over by food/diet thoughts. It wasn’t like before but it was controlling my life and my self-esteem – I felt like whatever I was doing wasn’t good enough unless…

    So I got to a point where I couldn’t see an out then suddenly life happened – I split my jeans, was able to laugh at myself and realised I needed to make a few changes, that laughing at myself was much better than constantly lecturing myself about doing it better. I listened to a wise friend who told me to put my mental health first and identified which routines were fuelling the cycle of anxiety re my body and tried to let them go. I.e., going to a gym 5 times a week, pre-palnning my meals for maximum nutrition etc. It continues to be hard, my cholesterol keeps going up and my doctors can’t figure out why, just yet, and there are other stresses that intertwine with my ED thoughts (the PhD often prompts the same trigger that fuels my ED brain (i.e. I’m not doing it (it being life) well enough and I’m letting people down), but you know what helps the most: talking with my housemate and him affectionately laughing at me, reading your blog and other things on the Libero Network and remembering who and what I value in my life. I think all these things remind me to back my own sense of judgement, to go with my gut so to speak and to just take it day by day by day. And each day is like going on a bear hunt: you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it you just have to go through it.

    Take care on you bear hunt Katy,

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