The ‘A’ Word

Yep, this week has been tough due to, yes, the ‘A’ word. 

hate that word. I hate what the word means, what it represents for me and how it cripples me. If you don’t know what it is, the word is:


It came out of the blue. On Sunday night, my Brother stayed over because his wife was away and he was feeling sad and lonely. On Monday morning when I got out of the shower, he told me that he couldn’t face going into work that day because he was feeling like crap. Not physically but mentally. 

This was when the anxiety started.

I think it’s safe to say that I worry too much. I worry that my family aren’t happy and when they’re feel grief, I want to take it all away from them and feel it for them because I would rather myself suffer than to know that they are suffering. I’m used to suffering from emotional distress anyway but it just doesn’t work like that. My Brother went home Monday night and as the week drew on, the anxiety was becoming so crippling that I couldn’t face the world and yet I literally forced myself to go into work no matter how sick I felt because I knew that I couldn’t hide away. I knew that the anxiety would lessen eventually but I just had to get myself to work. 

On Wednesday, I emailed the Student Counselling Services and made an appointment for the next day. I had to kick this is the butt fast. And you know what? Seeking help that day was the best thing I could have done. Not only did the counsellor help me with my anxiety, she helped me to realise that my family are upset because they are still grieving the loss of my Grandmother. I am as well but I guess I’m focussing on my family’s well being in order to take the focus off of mine. The counsellor gave me some tips as to how I can calm myself down and be kind to myself when I feel like I’m about to have an attack. Seriously, this woman helped me so much.

Up until this appointment, I had been unable to eat properly all week and as soon as I left her office, I pulled out my cookies and ate them as I walked to work. I felt at peace and I felt OK about everything going on. I still hate the fact that my family is hurting but that’s what happens when someone we love dies and we just have to let them grieve in their own way. The grief lessens over time but right now the pain is still raw, especially for my Mum, and I have to let them deal with it in their own way. People die all the time and even though it sucks so – freaking – much, we just have to accept it.

Today, I’m going to be kind to myself and catch up on all the food that I have missed this week. I’m going to paint my nails, bask in the sunshine and go out for some retail therapy. 

I want to thank Hedda, Sam, Marina, Kate, Jess, Scarlett and Kirsty for helping me so much via Twitter this week. You have no idea how much I appreciate your love and support and the fact that you guys believed in me really made me believe that I could get through it. Thank you all so much ❤

Anna and Cara, you are both so amazing and I don’t know where I would be without you two. You are rocks in my life and I feel so grateful to have you both as friends. Love you crazy girlies ❤

Question: Do you have any tips on managing anxiety? 


Posted on 25 February 2012, in Anxiety, Family. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I tend to worry all the time, but I’m not a victim of raw anxiety yet, in the sense of panic disorders or generalized anxiety disorder. Still, I know it very well. This feeling that whatever I do won’t be good enough. That I won’t get a job, that I won’t be able to earn a living, that I’ll disappoint my parents, that I’ll be dependent on them until they don’t have any money left, that I’ll have to live in poverty on the social system and eventually die alone in my tiny, shabby apartment where I’m found to weeks later by a neighbor because it started to smell weirdly. This is where the scenario usually ends. 😀

    Seriously, it’s so strainful and paralyzing. I tend to have it under control, but sometimes it gets really bad so I can’t concentrate well anymore.

  2. And we love you too!

  3. I get a bit lost for words here Katy. My body and mind knows the pain of anxiety, and you – you my dear show such a strength to refuse to let it totally consume you and reach out to someone else who can help you reflect and calm down.
    You have a very kind heart, my friend. Whenever someone I love is down, my mind gets all dark and it is like a vague pain starts to press within me. And as you say, one concequence is that it becomes harder to eat and take proper care of ourselves.
    I am very glad that the talk gave you the sense of peace required to feel good about eating, katy. We need you to eat so you can continue to be your amazing self.

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