A Last Goodbye
This isn’t the jolly post that I was hoping to right at 10 o’clock at night but if you’ve been following me on Twitter, you’ll know that my Nan back in England has been in hospital for the past week or so. Unfortunately today, I received a text message from my Mum saying that Nan has slipped into a coma and they don’t think that she will have long to live. Of course, I had to be at work when she sent me this and I started to weep. Knowing that she was unconscious and unable to hear what was going on around her was mortifying to me – even worse than death, in my opinion. At this point, I knew I couldn’t stay at work so I texted a good friend who dropped what she was doing to come and see me. I left work and I received a good dose of retail therapy and then I checked my phone to see that I had a missed call. Confused, I texted my Brother to ask if he had called. A few minutes later, my phone rang again. This time I answered it and my greatest fear was realised…
Nan didn’t make it.
My friend rubbed my arm and it was hard for me not to cry at the weakness of my Brother’s voice over the phone. It’s so hard to be on the other side of the world when a loved one is unwell. You just want to be there with them and hold their hand.
Knowing that she has passed is incredibly sad but it’s a relief at the same time. For a long time, I’ve sensed that she hasn’t had much longer to live. She hadn’t developed anything like dementia, luckily, but she found it very difficult to get around without assistance. But knowing that she has been taken from us makes me angry because she still had her “marbles”, so to speak. She hadn’t forgotten who we were, nor did we have to shout at her to make sure that she could hear us. I feel a mixture of sadness and anger towards her passing.
My Grandfather died when I was 2 or 3 so I don’t remember much about him but my Nan has done well to live with the hole in her heart for such a long time.
I feel so relieved that I was able to see her last year while I was away in England. We only spent a few hours with her but those few hours will always be remembered.
She may not still be here with us but she is still living in my heart and she will forever be there…living with me.
Nan, I will never forget you. I will never forget your kindness and your strength. I will always appreciate the gifts you have always given me and the letters we used to write to each other. You made me feel so special. I wish I got to know more about you when I still had the chance. You are an amazing woman to have adopted two children in need of a mother and a home and to also accept my Mother for who she really is is quite remarkable. You’ve always accepted and loved her no matter what her sexuality. Thank you for putting up with the countless times that we watched Mary Poppins in your living room. Thank you for all the money you’ve sent me over the years. I put it to good use, I promise. Thank you for never forgetting my birthday and always sending a card, no matter how difficult it was for you to hold a pen. Thank you for always acknowledging my academic achievements and telling me how proud you are of me.
There are so many things I want to thank you for. But most importantly, thank you for always loving me. Thank you for being such a wonderful woman and thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for everything. I just…thank you.
I’m sorry that I can’t be there to say goodbye but I sent you a letter and some photos that I hope you’ll enjoy.
I love you so much and I’m sure you’re happy to be with Grandad once again. Give my love to him and thank him for watching over me for all this time. I will miss you so much. So much that words can’t even describe how much I’m going to miss you.
So much love,