A Reflection

Happy Weekend, Pies!

You may be aware that I have given my little bloggy a wee make over. There was just something about my other theme that didn’t sit well with me. I’m still trying to make it right but I am much happier with it now 🙂

Well, this week I had my first week back to work since Christmas and Monday was so painfully slow, I had to drink multiple cups of STRONG Yorkshire tea in order to stay awake. The first day is always the worst!

Fortunately, I go back to university on the 5th of March to complete an honours degree in meteorology and I am so – freaking – excited! Not only am I going to be surrounded by people my own age, (not that I have anything against the 40 somethings and over working in my office…) but I’ll be back to doing something challenging and something that I feel passionate about.

Since I started working back in June, I’ve discovered some very important things about myself. Not only was this my first time being thrust into the “real” world of working but I discovered that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. At first, I just thought it was me being nervous about starting a real job and all that but as time went on, it only started to get worse. It got to the point where I struggled to eat all of my breakfast because I felt so nauseated and just plain unwell. When I was struggling with my anxiety, it wasn’t only the feeling of it bubbling inside of me that bothered me. In fact, I probably could have easily lived with just that alone. But it was the symptoms that came along with the anxiety that caused me the most trouble…

WARNING: If you aren’t a fan of people talking about TMI-type situations then do not read on.

 A lot of people don’t talk about this but I think it’s time that I stepped up and talked about it just so that people that suffer from anxiety don’t feel alone. You see, I struggled with somewhat loose bowels. The anxiety played havoc with my digestive system and feeling that way caused me even more anxiety which made the situation even worse! I never had an accident or anything but it was horrible to have to live with. Usually, by the time I got to work the anxiety subsided and I was able to go about my day, albeit, tensely. It wasn’t until the anxiety started to last all day and my digestive issues had gotten worse that I realised it was a serious issue and it wasn’t normal. I opened up about it here

Thankfully, the medication that I am now on has made everything a lot easier to manage. At the same time, I confided in a very wise and close friend and she helped me realise the reasons why I was anxious and basically I realised that I am afraid to grow up. For a long time, I would always be worried about death and what happens after you die. I am not the most religious of people but I do believe that there is some kind of an after life – I can’t imagine just being alive for all these years and then all of a sudden you’re nothing. I just don’t want to accept that. I don’t really believe that there is a heaven and hell but what I do believe is that we are reborn after we die. To avoid turning this into a religious post I’ll leave the religion talk there but that’s just what I believe. 

So anyway, when I got my new job it was like I was growing up and, without knowing it, I was freaking out about it and feeling as though it was one more step towards death. Morbid, right? I don’t understand it either. I easily freak out about things that I have no answer to.

As a child, I always hated being a child. You never got to watch the same movies as adults did, nor did you get to stay up late or drink “adult juice”. I thought it was so boring being young. I was always so excited to reach 16 and then 18 because then I could watch R16 films and buy alcohol. But now that I’m the ripe old age of 21 (I do hope you realise that I am kidding when I say that I’m at a ripe age…), I dearly miss those younger and naive years. Those, in fact, were the happiest years of my life. I was just so unbelievably happy and was always bursting with so much energy that my family always considered me as “bonkers”. I remember once thinking to myself that I didn’t understand how people could be unhappy or depressed because life was just so good. I look back on those times and think of how sweet and innocent I was. I also look back on those times with longing and nostalgia because I just fear growing old. I am still trying to accept that it’s life and everything but it’s something that I can’t help. I think it’s something that I’ll just have to come to terms with. It’s getting easier now as I am realising that life really only starts when you leave university. Who knows what the next chapter of my life holds for me?

So as I was saying, this job has been good for me in many ways. It’s made me realise that my eating disorder was not the main issue as I thought it was. It was merely a blanket that covered up the real problem of my anxiety that I didn’t even know that I had. It has also helped me to understand how offices work and has given me great practice in working with other people. I am so grateful to have this work otherwise I would be sitting around at home and moping all day about something so trivial like my belly getting fatter and trying to deal with a way of overcoming it. 

I can honestly say that ever since I went to England back in November, that I am just really really happy. I don’t even know how to explain it. I’ve been through so much and I’ve overcome so much and I just can’t believe how much strength I truly have. I’m not tooting my own horn here but it’s just something I’ve come to realise in my reflections of the year just past. Whether it’s the drugs I’m taking (medicinal of course) or the way my life is right now, I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care either. I am just happy. Plain and simple. 

I don’t even know where I am going with this anymore. I was just letting my fingers do the talking 😛

Question: What grade would you give your year of 2011? Why?
For me, it would have to be an A-. Despite all of the negative things that had happened, so many positives came out of them and I am really proud of myself for getting through a really difficult time of my life. 

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Posted on 15 January 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. A C+ – the first half was an A and the second half was an E!

  2. I can relate to your anxiety. I guess I kinda have it too, but thankfully, I don’t need medication. Yet. Sometimes it hits me hard, but I try to calm myself down. I am really familiar with the bowel issues, specially before an exam. On my first year, before a mayor exam with a scary professor, it was so bad the night before, I thought I had some kind of disease, awful.
    When it comes to growing up and getting older, I remember that I had some kind of an anxiety attack when I was like 12, right on my birthday. I was so afraid of getting older, going into puberty, becoming a woman. It was so scary!
    Now, I can’t wait for finally being able to have a family, work, have a child… If only I finished uni 😀 Ah, veterinary medicine, you’re killing me :))
    2011. was quite good for me. I would give it a B+. Not because it wasn’t an A, but because I think 2012. can be much better 🙂 Love ya!

  3. It’s really awesome to hear your positivity 😀 Good luck for honours! It’s great you can look forward to doing something you love.

    My 2011 was probably a B+. My reasoning is similar to yours – while it was probably the most difficult, challenging and emotional year of my life, I have also learnt and grown a lot and started to rebuild my life. I know this year is going to be a thousand times better thanks to all that I endured last year.

    I guess every cloud really does have a silver lining 🙂

  4. You know what the wise old people say… “youth is wasted on the young.” Not that I want to be younger, since being a kid does suck in many ways, but it would be nice to be carefree and not have a worry in the world!

    And I definitely relate to your anxiety issues; it’s something I’ve dealt with pretty much all my life. My mom once dragged me to the doctor when I was younger because I was taking so many pills for it. Let’s just say anxiety-induced stomach pains + emetophobia = not a good combination. I’m glad that things are looking up for you, at least a little bit, and that you have something you love ahead of you.

    As for 2011? I’m going to give it a C.

    ❤ ❤

  5. Yep, I get it Katy: the year after recovery is even harder than the year of recovery but equally more rewarding in what you learn about yourself. Ditto with the anxiety and ditto with the work situation proving really challenging. And yes, you are one tough (in a cool, sassy way) lady 😛

    To help me, sometimes I lie on the floor and pretend I am a tree root. Yes, very strange but true!! It helps to calm my breathing and literally bring me back down to earth.

    My year? A plus and D minus all in one, full of living and learning and living and learning. Life in a nutshell!

    Thanks for sharing this post, xx

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