As the title suggests, I am overwhelmed but in a good way. In a very good way. The pouring of support from you guys is just amazing. Honestly, every comment filled me strength and determination because I know that I’m not going through this alone. If it weren’t for all of your support I don’t think I would have made it through the week. I am so grateful and honoured to be in a community with people like you. Thank you so, so much 🙂
For so long, I have thought that my eating disorder was the real issue. I thought that once I overcome my issues with eating and exercise that I would be back to normal and could live a normal life with ease. Now, I know that is not the case at all. In fact, the eating disorder was just the blanket over my real issues.
I went back to work on Wednesday feeling so anxious but I wasn’t as bad as I was on Monday. The bus ride to work is the worst part because I can easily let my thoughts run away with me and I have no means of escape. Once I’m on the bus, I’m stuck until I get into town. When I arrived at work though, I was able to distract myself and calm down somewhat. My anxiety doesn’t go away, but it certainly becomes manageable so that I can go about my normal things without bursting into tears of feeling like I’m going to vomit on some very important bridge inspection reports.
On Thursday morning I had my doctor’s appointment. My doctor has been with me since before I started to recover. That’s…since October 2009. CRIKEY! I had no idea it has been that long. But she has helped me through a lot. When I turned up in her office, I couldn’t control my emotions and burst into tears. She said she was so proud of me for wanting to start facing the real issues head on now and that she was sad that she wasn’t going to be around for much longer to help me through it. My Doctor is moving to South America in October and you can imagine how upset I am about that. She said she could find some funding so that I could see a therapist outside the university (I still go to my uni doctors) until my usual counsellor comes back. Then she prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. Citalopram, I think it is.
I have always been so hesitant to take medication like this and I don’t really know why. Maybe I thought that it would label me as being officially crazy and that bothered me. I don’t know. But like my Mum said, it’s just one of those things that you are going to need help with. Like some people need to take medication to lower their blood pressure – it’s just something you can’t really do on your own. She’s right.
I’m just so relieved to finally be getting help for this. It has been a long road to realise that my anxiety is the issue and not the eating disorder. I’ve been in a much better mood these past few days because I am now able to see an end to this. I just need to face it head on and find the root of the problem no matter how uncomfortable or overwhelmed it makes me.
I can do this. I can do this.