Overwhelmed

As the title suggests, I am overwhelmed but in a good way. In a very good way. The pouring of support from you guys is just amazing. Honestly, every comment filled me strength and determination because I know that I’m not going through this alone. If it weren’t for all of your support I don’t think I would have made it through the week. I am so grateful and honoured to be in a community with people like you. Thank you so, so much 🙂

For so long, I have thought that my eating disorder was the real issue. I thought that once I overcome my issues with eating and exercise that I would be back to normal and could live a normal life with ease. Now, I know that is not the case at all. In fact, the eating disorder was just the blanket over my real issues.

I went back to work on Wednesday feeling so anxious but I wasn’t as bad as I was on Monday. The bus ride to work is the worst part because I can easily let my thoughts run away with me and I have no means of escape. Once I’m on the bus, I’m stuck until I get into town. When I arrived at work though, I was able to distract myself and calm down somewhat. My anxiety doesn’t go away, but it certainly becomes manageable so that I can go about my normal things without bursting into tears of feeling like I’m going to vomit on some very important bridge inspection reports. 

On Thursday morning I had my doctor’s appointment. My doctor has been with me since before I started to recover. That’s…since October 2009. CRIKEY! I had no idea it has been that long. But she has helped me through a lot. When I turned up in her office, I couldn’t control my emotions and burst into tears. She said she was so proud of me for wanting to start facing the real issues head on now and that she was sad that she wasn’t going to be around for much longer to help me through it. My Doctor is moving to South America in October and you can imagine how upset I am about that. She said she could find some funding so that I could see a therapist outside the university (I still go to my uni doctors)  until my usual counsellor comes back. Then she prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. Citalopram, I think it is. 

I have always been so hesitant to take medication like this and I don’t really know why. Maybe I thought that it would label me as being officially crazy and that bothered me. I don’t know. But like my Mum said, it’s just one of those things that you are going to need help with. Like some people need to take medication to lower their blood pressure – it’s just something you can’t really do on your own. She’s right. 

I’m just so relieved to finally be getting help for this. It has been a long road to realise that my anxiety is the issue and not the eating disorder. I’ve been in a much better mood these past few days because I am now able to see an end to this. I just need to face it head on and find the root of the problem no matter how uncomfortable or overwhelmed it makes me. 

I can do this. I can do this.

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Posted on 17 September 2011, in Anxiety, Family, Health. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I think an eating disorder is never the real issue (although it can assume an independent existence and therefore become an issue on itself) but rather a disfunctional reaction pattern in response to your real issues. It has the power to drown your emotions, but they’ll be back with a vengeance as soon as you’re able to let go of your eating disorder. I believe it’s a valuable step you’ve undertaken about your anxiety! With me, I think it’s anxiety but even more, sorrow and sadness lurking behind. Have you tried mindfulness practices? Those helped me a great deal! They won’t make it go away, but help you to bear it and live with it (you have to do that anyway). They teach you that those emotions actually aren’t able to affect you.

    I’m thinking of you! You’ll make your way!

  2. Um are we twins or something?kind of strange how things are unfolding for both of us at the same time 😉

    About the medicine. I just look at it from a scientific perspective (im sure you can appreciate that). Its an imbalance in brain chemistry that causes cont. anxiety, depression, etc. We now have medicines that CAN help with those things so why are people so against them? I totally feel you though, ive been anti meds for YEARS. But I think my anti meds attitude came from the wrong reasons. To be honest, i kind of looked at it as a sign of weakness but thats so STUPID. It’s like your mom said, if you had to take blood pressure medicine you WOULD! It’s totally the same thing.

    I’m glad you and your doctor get along so well and shes going to find you another therapist. that will be great i thinK!

    We are all here for you, you arent alone ❤

    xx

  3. Dear, I am glad if you feel a bit better. Do not worry about whether or not it is good to take the medicine. As your mom said, it’s just something you need right now to be better. Traditional medicine mostly focuses on physical illness and problems, and the more holistic approach is to treat the whole body, the soul and the material part. And no, I am not a believer in acupuncture or reiki or stuff like that, after all, I consider myself a scientist, I believe that a lot of diseases do originate in one’s mind. So please, take the medicine, and feel better. I’m sure one day, you won’t need it.
    As I’ve said before, I am here for you whenever you need to talk. I wanted to send you an email, but with the exam and coming back to Cro, it’s all a bit overwhelming and time is not abundant. I will do it however 😉 My chocolates should arrive soon to you, they will sure make you feel better.
    lots of love hun!

  4. ” I think an eating disorder is never the real issue (although it can assume an independent existence and therefore become an issue on itself) but rather a disfunctional reaction pattern in response to your real issues. ”
    I agree with this, eating disorders are primarily a response, a way of reacting to experiences and mental forces. For you to now tackle anxiety is an important step towards truely breaking free and learning how to live the life Katy deserves. The years of numbness due to anorexia is over now – it can be scary at times, but it is necessary and the best for you. For all of us. We must accept that life is not easy, filled with challenges, but that does not mean we must do damage to our health to try coping with it. It is better for us to reflect on our responses, try to communicate with our feelings and find out why we feel threatened, afraid or anxious.

    As the other people have said – medicine is a help for you. I’m not a fan of it either, but when it can benefit your life and help you through the days, then take them. As food is medicine, so can pills be.

    Take it day by day my friend, never forget how strong and beautiful you are. Struggles often makes us believe we are weak, but that could not be further away from the truth. We are not weak. We are humans trying to find our way here in life.
    Know that I’m here for you. On twitter, facebook or mail ( and one beautiful day I’ll give you a long and real hug! ), if there is anything, no matter how small you think it is, don’t hesitate to contact me.

    Love you!

  5. Hey Katy.
    Sorry I’m just catching up on your posts now. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety, but I’m happy you were able to open up and talk to your family about it. I hope that you will be able to find a solution that works for you, and that you’ll have a good medical team to work with.

    Take care girlie! I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!

  6. Anxiety is something I struggle with as well, Its so unnerving. I’ve used my eating disorder as a meansof coping and pushing it away so every time I move towaards recovery the anxiety revvs up. I’ve been on medication for a while now, and I think it has been helpful. I don’t think its something to be bothered about. Stay stong, and pull through; like you said you CAN do this<3 rooting for ya.

  7. I am so proud of you 🙂 and I absolutely agree that the eating disorder is not the problem, but rather a symptom. I know you can do this ❤

  8. I assumed you hadn’t been blogging because I never get any updates…
    But now I see why.
    God, sorry honey.
    I have missed out on so so so much ❤

    I agree, we need to deal with our eating disorders because they are so wrapped up in the physical self.
    It is only then that we can wade through the other issues.
    A lot of people have depression and anxiety but not when they recover (of course a lot of people do) and they go on.
    Sometimes we need to address issues.
    And sometimes, it is chemicals.

    Medication has saved my life and I am really proud of you for being so honest and open.

    I think the eating disorder could have been the issue and sometimes it is a mix.

    Thinking of you ❤

  9. oh my gosh i can totally relate. I had anxiety issues a long time- made eating disorder even worse. I took meds but i eventually got off of them. I HATE taking meds too so I feel ya. I’m reading this book called THE HEALING CODES by alex lloyd right now and its suppossed to lift off anxiety and stress (causes of all issues down to the root!)
    I hope that was helpful to you!!
    Love your blog 🙂
    xox
    Mariel

  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety, but I’m happy you were able to open up and talk to your family about it. I hope that you will be able to find a solution that works for you. I I am praying for you!

  11. Oh Katy, Yes you can do this!! I agree with you that eating disorders hide the real issues. I am proud of you and happy that you are in a much better mood! 🙂

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