Monthly Archives: September 2011

An Update of Sorts

You guys are so wonderful! Seriously. Thank you so much for the support and kind words. It definitely helps knowing that you guys truly believe in me so thank you 🙂

This week has been such an improvement compared to what I was like last week. I still feel anxious but it’s not so overwhelming that I feel ill or need to go home from work. The doc said that my medication wouldn’t start working for at least two weeks but I swear it started working almost instantly. When I get anxious now, it’s really intense for about 20 minutes and then it just tapers off and I feel so different. It’s just so weird. Is that what anti-anxiety medication feels like when it’s working? I have no idea. Whether it’s the medication or not, I’m just so relieved that things are getting better in the mean time.

I also wanted to update you all on my experience with the FODMAPs way of eating. Basically, I’ve cut out apples and honey and I am weaning myself off my fruity muesli that I love to have every morning and I can proudly say that I have improved so much! No longer am I feeling bloated or gassy (you know you wanted to know that). No longer do I feel like I want to take a nap after lunch (lunchtime was when I would eat my apple). And when I eat something with fructose in it, I notice. I still eat strawberries and bananas but can only handle strawberries in small amounts because they are far too sweet for me now. I used to live off fruit and now I can’t handle the flavour because it’s far too sour! It’s amazing how your taste buds can change so quickly. After a few months of eating this way I might try and bring back some fruit and see how much I can handle. But at the moment I’m feeling really good. Although I do have to admit that I really do miss how refreshing a piece of fruit could be.

So far everything is going well. I’m full of positivity again and I’m so relieved for that. I’m sleeping well and I’m allowing my body to rest when it needs. Now I just need to find more cereal because I am completely obsessed with it right now and I fear that I’m going to turn into a cornflake.

What’s your favourite cereal??

Overwhelmed

As the title suggests, I am overwhelmed but in a good way. In a very good way. The pouring of support from you guys is just amazing. Honestly, every comment filled me strength and determination because I know that I’m not going through this alone. If it weren’t for all of your support I don’t think I would have made it through the week. I am so grateful and honoured to be in a community with people like you. Thank you so, so much 🙂

For so long, I have thought that my eating disorder was the real issue. I thought that once I overcome my issues with eating and exercise that I would be back to normal and could live a normal life with ease. Now, I know that is not the case at all. In fact, the eating disorder was just the blanket over my real issues.

I went back to work on Wednesday feeling so anxious but I wasn’t as bad as I was on Monday. The bus ride to work is the worst part because I can easily let my thoughts run away with me and I have no means of escape. Once I’m on the bus, I’m stuck until I get into town. When I arrived at work though, I was able to distract myself and calm down somewhat. My anxiety doesn’t go away, but it certainly becomes manageable so that I can go about my normal things without bursting into tears of feeling like I’m going to vomit on some very important bridge inspection reports. 

On Thursday morning I had my doctor’s appointment. My doctor has been with me since before I started to recover. That’s…since October 2009. CRIKEY! I had no idea it has been that long. But she has helped me through a lot. When I turned up in her office, I couldn’t control my emotions and burst into tears. She said she was so proud of me for wanting to start facing the real issues head on now and that she was sad that she wasn’t going to be around for much longer to help me through it. My Doctor is moving to South America in October and you can imagine how upset I am about that. She said she could find some funding so that I could see a therapist outside the university (I still go to my uni doctors)  until my usual counsellor comes back. Then she prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. Citalopram, I think it is. 

I have always been so hesitant to take medication like this and I don’t really know why. Maybe I thought that it would label me as being officially crazy and that bothered me. I don’t know. But like my Mum said, it’s just one of those things that you are going to need help with. Like some people need to take medication to lower their blood pressure – it’s just something you can’t really do on your own. She’s right. 

I’m just so relieved to finally be getting help for this. It has been a long road to realise that my anxiety is the issue and not the eating disorder. I’ve been in a much better mood these past few days because I am now able to see an end to this. I just need to face it head on and find the root of the problem no matter how uncomfortable or overwhelmed it makes me. 

I can do this. I can do this.

On The Edge, But Not Of Glory

This is an unusual time for me to do a post. For starters I should be at work right now but I’m staying at home today due to something I feel the need to discuss.

Anxiety.

For the past few months, I’ve been experiencing a lot of nervousness. At first I thought it was because I was starting a new job and everything about working and earning my own way was new to me so that was really to be expected. But as the weeks went by, that feeling of nervousness and being on edge didn’t subside. The bus ride to work would be sheer torture because the whole time I would feel so anxious. But the moment I sat down at my desk, the anxiety went away. More weeks went by and slowly the anxiety started to last longer. It would last up until lunch time and then go away again. That was June and now in September, I’ve had my first major anxiety attack.

As I was lying in bed last night, my heart rate started to increase and I could feel my bed shaking with every beat. I have no idea what triggers these waves of anxiety but I am determined to figure it out. Basically, after some deep breathing and sitting up in bed I managed to doze off only to wake up feeling physically ill. I struggled through the morning, ate a filling breakfast (big mistake when you’re feeling nauseated all the time) and walked down the hill to the bus stop. The bus ride into town is the worst part. I had to get off at the first stop in town because I couldn’t manage staying on the bus any longer. I went straight for the public toilets where I sat there with tears streaming down my face wondering how the hell I was going to make it through the day.

I made it to work 15 minutes late, turned on my computer and tried to get to work. “Tried” being the operative word. I just couldn’t function. My heart was pounding, the nausea was getting overwhelming, my body was shaking and I was feeling so hot that I had to hold my cold water bottle against my forehead to calm down. Fortunately, I work in the same office as my Dad and when he asked me how I was, no words were needed in order to see how I was. Needless to say, he sent me home.

I haven’t told my family about these issues that I’ve been having. I find it difficult to be honest with my family about these kinds of things because I feel as though I’m disappointing them. They have never had any kind of expectations of me so I don’t know why I do myself but I just have never been able to have deep down conversations with them.

Today I opened up to them.

As soon as I got home I called my Mum who lives 4 hours by car away from me. You see, my Mum has had mental issues as well. In 2007, she had to leave work due to depression and anxiety and I felt most comfortable talking to someone who actually understands what it’s like. As soon as she picked up the phone I burst into tears. I opened up about everything stemming from my anxiety to my eating disorder to when she left her ex-partner back in late 2007. I can honestly say that I have the best Mum in the world. She talked me through everything. She told me that she will be here for me in a flash if I needed her. She explained to me for the first time ever what her life has been like due to her anxiety and depression. She then started talking about something that I think we can all relate to. That, my friends, is control. Even though we suffer from the same mental illness, she handled it in a different way to me. Instead of gaining control of her life by engaging in eating disordered behaviours (for the most past) like me, she handled it a different way. But the moment she started talking about control and how there  are just things in life that we can’t control and that we need to just accept it, I felt a connection to my Mother that I’ve never felt before. She gets it. She just gets it.

When I hung up the phone, I felt relieved and yet saddened to know that my own Mum has been through so much. I have a new found respect for her 🙂

I spent the day trying to take my mind off of everything. I watched Jersey Shore (no shame. Snooki got punched in the face), had a nap and went for a walk.

When my Dad got home, he had no idea what was going on with me at this point. He just thought that I had some kind of stomach flu. Now, my Dad isn’t your average Dad. He’s quite a softy. When my Mum left in 1995, he took over the role of both parents and did everything for me and my Brothers. It is safe to say that I am without a doubt a daddy’s girl. When I explained to him what I’ve been suffering through, he sat down beside me, grabbed my hand and held it tight. As he was telling me how sorry he felt for me he started to fight back tears in his eyes. I don’t mean to sound “up myself” or anything but I am his pride and joy and I know that. I’m his only daughter and we do everything together. To hear that your baby is battling an eating disorder and is currently struggling with anxiety attacks can be quite heart breaking.

We sat there in silence as he held my hand and looked at me. Then he said, “You know I am so proud of you. I will be there for you whenever you need.” Just being able to hear words like this from people who love you can make such a huge difference to your state of mind. I have been told that I must tell my parents whenever something is bothering me no matter how big or small it is. This is going to be hard for me because I have never really done that before but I think it’s the start of a new kind of relationship between me and my parentals, that’s for sure.

I’m going to discuss possible medication with my doctor this week. For an entire year they’ve tried to get me on anti-anxiety medication but I’ve flat our refused. Now, I’m desperate and am willing to try it just so that I can possibly get the anxiety under control somewhat.

I don’t have any answers for this or any clue as to why I am anxious in the first place. It is obvious to me now that this is the reason why I developed an eating disorder and not the other way around. Right now, covering up my issues by engaging into eating disordered behaviours is just creating even more problems on top of what I already have. Quite frankly, I can’t be bothered with that shit anymore. It’s time to tackle the real issue head on no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel. The time is now.

Have you ever suffered from anxiety? 

Do you have any tips to calm yourself down during an attack?

Breakfasts of Champions

Kia ora!  I LOVED reading about some of your weird and wacky things! If we weren’t weird and wacky then that would just make us…boring. Ew.

I hope that you’ve all had a wonderful week! My week didn’t get off on the right start but with a phone call to my Mother and a day of allowing myself rest, I’ve come through it in good spirits. Let’s just say that when one realises that one has lost one’s bus pass whilst standing at the bus stop, one gets a bit flustered and heads home to call ones mother. Then after some words exchanged, one finds said bus pass in ones handbag but not where one left it. There was a hole in the lining of one’s handbag and the bus pass sneakily slipped through it where it could not be seen. Sneaky.

Not saying that this happened to me or anything…

This week I’ve been experimenting with different breakfasts. There have been some successes and some major flops but I survived for the most part. You see, I’ve always believed that breakfast needs to be really filling, satisfying and amongst all other things quick. I don’t have all that much time in the mornings because I am high maintenance and use 50 million different moisturisers, straighten my hair and apply make up. Oh and I have to decide what I’m wearing that day. You know, the important stuff. So when it comes to breakfast, it needs to be made and eaten within half and hour.

For the past few years, that go to breakfast has always been porridge/oatmeal. It’s always been filling, satisfying, relatively quick and I knew that I couldn’t really go wrong with it so I stuck with it. More often that not I actually craved it as well. However for the past few months my oatmeal cravings have been somewhat absent. I don’t know if it’s because of my flavour combinations, the texture or both but I just can’t get excited about it anymore. Yet the thought of turning to something else has always brought along some anxiety with it because what if that something else doesn’t provide me with the same full-belly feeling that oatmeal always has? What if I ate cereal for breakfast and it didn’t hold me over? WHAT IF I HAD TO HAVE A SNACK? Oh blimey, the horror. What’s wrong with that anyway?

Well, it was time to experiment.

Here is what I have turned to:

Cornflakes, banana & soy milk.

The verdict? Delicious, simple and quick. But this didn’t hold me over for long.

Next:

Toasted muesli, bran flakes with yoghurt and soy milk alongside.

Delicious, chewy, filling and quick but the dried fruit in this doesn’t agree with me due to my fructose intolerance. I could pick it out but that takes time.

*Sigh*

Next:

Pancakes with maple syrup, lemon juice, strawbs and yoghurt.

The bomb.com. How can there be anything wrong with pancakes?! They’re tasty, filling, delicious but…yes, but…they take too long to make…

Next:

Cheerios with a banana and chocolate soy milk.

These were so good! They are high in sugar so they do give me a buzz. That could be due to the chocolate soy milk but whatever. I’ve tried them with both plain and chocolate soy milk and I do like these. The only problem I have is that they take aaaaaages to go soggy. Like today, I had cheerios for brekkie poo (yes, I just said brekkie poo) and it wasn’t until I ate the VERY last cheerio that they were actually starting to go soft. #soggycerealfail

Plain oats topped with seeds, strawberries, maple syrup, milk & yoghurt.

Yeah, I did go back to oats. I was thinking that maybe if I made them on the stove that I would get into them again. You know, different textures and all. The verdict? They were aight.

Golden syrup eggy oats topped with banana, soy milk and yoghurt.

I tried the eggy oats. They were aight.

I think I’m going to go on an oatmeal break. For now, I’m going to start exploring my options. I’m thinking thick smoothies, cereal and toast will be in my breakfast future.

What is your favourite breakfast at the moment?

Do you have a favourite bowl that you eat oatmeal/cereal out of?