Your Thighs Do Not Define You

It is now official that the novelty of this polar blast has now gone kaput. Please can it stop precipitating. I don’t really enjoy having wet feeties at work. Is that too much to ask?

I hope not. 

I forgot to mention how much I love all of your comments on my Comparison Trap post. Seriously, you guys rock. I was afraid to hit publish on that post because I was worried that I was going to get some nasty comments but thankfully the meanies haven’t found me yet.

Today, I wanted to talk about another kind of comparison trap. That is, comparing your body to others. If you’re new to my blog and myself, then you may not know that I am well into recovery for an eating disorder (hence the recent post) so don’t be shocked if I start talking about food, weight and body image. 

Lately, I have been having a hard time accepting my ever changing body. When I finally became comfortable with it, it continued to change even though that wasn’t my intention. Then the worst thing ever happened – my thighs started to touch.

Hooooooooly craaaaaaaaaap, Katy, that’s just the worst! 

I know, right?

Seriously, why should this even be a problem? How self-centred of me. Surely there are more important things to worry about in my life. Well, the reason I started to see this as a problem is because there are so many people in the blog world that eat so much more than me but still have a gap between their legs. As I type this I just want to slap my palm into my face because this just seems so silly but I’m trying to be honest here. I see people on the blog world eating much healthier than me, exercising more than me and sleeping so much more than me. This is what I meant by my comparison trap post. DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP! 

Our bodies are all made differently. No matter how much we want them to look a certain way, they are going to look the way they were born to look, crave the foods they thrive on and feel fatigue when they need rest. I used to push my body to look a certain way and that only made me look like balding bobble head. I craved for that gap between my legs because to me, that was control. That was beauty. That was success. Sick, no? But what I do remember from this time is longing to look like the beautiful curvy women that I would see everywhere. They looked so healthy, happy and beautiful. I would wish that I could take a pill to make me look like them. That would make me gain the weight in a snap without having to go through the uncomfortable weight gain process. 

Now that I’ve made it through the weight gain and I have reached the weight that my old dietician set for me, I know that I look a lot like those girls that I thought were so beautiful. And I really do feel pretty some days. But I can’t seem to get over the unusual sensation of my thighs touching. My thighs always used to touch pre-ED so why is this such a problem? Why do I think that my thighs define who I am? They DON’T! 

So what does define me? My bubbly personality? My love for everything Antarctica, the colour purple and cheesy British humour? My kindness? My love to bake? My determination? My adoration of my Family? Doesn’t all of this (and more) count in the definition of who I am? 

It does.

When you are having these bouts of extreme body consciousness, think about what is really bothering you. By that I mean, what is happening in your life that you are trying to distract yourself from. For me, I know that when times in my life get tough or if there are things going on around me that I can’t seem to control or accept, I turn to my body for that control or peace of mind. Make a list of the things that are stressing you out. Then compare this to what you are turning your thoughts on to. In the grand scheme of things, do the size of your thighs really matter? Is the world going to end if you don’t get your workout in? Does the number on the scale matter to your lecturers, your teachers or even your friends? Have you ever asked your friends if they would stop being your friend if you gained some weight? Probably not because you’re not a crazy. And if you have, how did that go? Did they give you the “WTF” face? 

I guess what I’m trying to do here is collect my thoughts together. I know right from wrong. I know that I’m just hearing stories in my head. These thoughts are just scribbles and brain farts in my head – they are not fact. Thoughts are not facts. 

If this has made any sense and you’ve managed to get through it all, I thank you for reading. This post has been one big thought vomit. Yum.

Have you ever been extremely conscious of your body changing? How did you deal with it?

Do you compare yourself to others?

Anything you want to add?

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Posted on 18 August 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. I went through a looooooot of hyper-awareness of my body while I was gaining weight in recovery. My mind could literally “feel” my thighs… my butt… my stomach… and I could swear they were getting bigger by the minute. Crazy, obviously, but it just goes to show you that you’re definitely not alone when it comes to being super conscious of a changing body. It was really hard to deal with for a while, until I started making more of an effort to focus on other things; like all of the positive things recovery has given me. More energy. More happiness. More delicious food. More LIFE. Sure I used to be thinner, but was I happier? Hell no. The thinner I got, the more unhappy I became. Stay strong, hun. You’re you, and you need to do what’s best for you ❤

  2. The body comparison trap is one I fall into as well :\ But your’re right, why should this matter!? Why should my body not look good at any size, when that is the way I look at everyone else?

    I love your last lines, a thought isn’t a fact. SO true! ED makes us believe that what we think is the truth. end of story. but it is so far from the truth! Getting to that truth is such a beautiful thing 🙂

    Scott

  3. Yup i definitely relate, especially with my thighs, and behind since those are the only bits of my body I appear to put on any weight. Trying on pants in fact is usually a sore subject for me because it reintroduces that hyperawareness, but in truth I have learned to look past my focus on these body image bugs and there’s usually something else related to my self esteem bothering me. Funny, because sometimes when I’m out wearing a short skirt having the best and most fulfilling time with friends and I look down and see my thighs spread I think to myself, “Whatever, I don’t care that you’re touching or feel jiggly…who caresssss.” Love that.
    In the depths of my ED back in the day I only compared myself to other “thin” people (but I was so distorted that I thought most people were thinner than me…which is kind of crazy), however I think even more than that I compared myself to my personal standard of thinness which at the time was ridiculous. I’ve learned we’re all different, comparison is a trap, and plain silly…and well my genes say I have a voluptuous lower half and there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂

  4. I love this post! I will be the first to admit that I am ultra concious when it comes to my body. OF course I know 80% of what I think is BS because some days I feel scary skinny and others I’m like “oh my God, my thighs have grown overnight”. It just goes to show how silly and illogical all that comparing really is. I’m happiest when I don’t think about myself and my body image a psychoanalyze myself. I’m learning just to accept what I have any be happy about it. Because honestly no one but me cares if my thighs are an inch larger, or if my stomach is puffier or more bloated then normal. They care about who I really am – and that’s what I should be focusing on as well.

    Once again great post! Thanks for sharing this with us!

  5. Love you and love this post ( and the one about comparisons ).
    The most beautiful you is the healthy you. The Katy who express an inner glow, who has light in her eyes and passion in her heart. That Katy has thighs that touch each other. When you start to focus on that it is not the thighs that are the actual issue, and I am very proud of you for having this insight. It is like we have these specific body parts that symbolize certain things / feelings for us – a gap between the thighs has been the same as control, self – discipline and a “good” Katy for so long.
    It is difficult to break free from this way of thinking, but you are so very, very well on your way! Yes, your attention does center around your body when life seems challenging, but you are no longer blind to the fact that it is not your body there is anything wrong with.
    Our bodies are not meant to be a problem, they are meant to be our stable vehicle through life. And those vehicles comes in different shapes, which is absolutely beautiful. You are beautiful, I am beautiful. We all are.

    Each time you manage to “snap out ” of this mentality you grow stronger and wiser – be proud of how you are fighting back disorded thinking these days. You are a champion.
    It can be scary to realize that our bodies have changed, because that means that our life has also changed. And it will take time before we feel fully comfortable with EDs greatest enemy – change. But we’ll get there, Katy. With touching thighs and hopefully a wide smile, we’ll get there.

    All my love and support. You rock ( my socks 😛 Sorry, just had to. )

  6. My thighs touch too. It’s cute. 😀

    Great post Katy!

  7. this may help but when i was underweight my thighs always touched. I was REALLY sickly thin but they touched. I think its just cause my hips arent wide at all!! Who knows? Ive heard a few other women tell me this has happened to them as well

    xx

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