Have a Slice of Cheesecake Brownie

They see me waddlin'. They hatin'.

Yeah they do.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys? GUYS!!!!

Oh my...

I almost died whilst eating this. Not because of all of the poison it had in it but because of the deliciousness that was this cheesecake brownie. (Recipe to follow.)

Now I’ve dabbled and played with many a brownie recipe over the last year or so but in the end I just went with my instinct and added in my own amount of everything. Many recipes call for unsweetened chocolate but I’ll be buggered if I have any unsweetened chocolate in my house. That’s just gross. Then others don’t even ask for cocoa powder. What is a brownie without cocoa powder? Seriously?!

I tend to only loosely follow baking recipes these days because, really, it’s up to your own personal taste. As long as you have the main ingredients that make up thing you are trying to bake (e.g. flour, eggs, butter/oil) you should be alright.

I would follow a recipe for a cake that was either too dry or waaaay too moist (Yes, you can have a cake that is too moist), and be unhappy with the result. I would bite into a chocolate chip cookie to find that the recipe didn’t call for enough chocolate chips and I’ll be damned if I am to eat a chocolateless chip cookie. Some recipes call for a drop of vanilla or a pinch of cinnamon but there you find me pouring the entire bottle of vanilla and “accidently” dropping in the cinnamon. Who needs other flavours anyway? 

I think you get what I’m talking about.

When it comes to cooking or baking, go with your own tastes. Don’t add raisins or nuts to something if you don’t like them. You will never see me adding walnuts to cakes or brownies or even, heaven forbid, sandwiches *shudders*. To me, cakes should be soft and without crunch. Cookies should have a bite to them and not be soft. After all, a cakes is defined as a baked good that goes hard when stale and a cookie is a baked good that goes soft when stale. (Thanks QI for that quite interesting piece of information.) 

Oats have a whole different category of their own. Everyone makes them differently. Some enjoy their oatmeal with bananas and eggs, some with copious and very necessary amounts of nut butter. Many like their oats soupy while others prefer them dry or “tough”. Some prefer theirs from the fridge after allowing them to soak in whatever milk or mish mash you prefer or even, if you’re that way inclined, you prefer them away from you at all times. That’s fair enough.

This is how I prefer my brownies:

[Please excuse my switching between different measuring systems.]

Katy’s Cheesecake Brownies

For the brownie batter:

• 85 grams butter (I think that’s about 3/4 of a stick)
• 120 grams sweetened dark chocolate (I just use dark chocolate chips)
• 2/3 cup of sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 1-1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup of cocoa powder
• 1/2 cup of all-purpose flour

For the cheesecake batter:

• 230 grams of full fat cream cheese
• 1/3 cup + 1 Tbsp sugar
• 1 large egg yolk
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Unless you plan on just eating the batter, pre-heat your damn over to 180°C or 350°F and butter or line a brownie pan so that the buggers don’t stick.

On the stove, melt your butter and chocolate chips over a low heat, stirring as needed, until just melted. Dip your finger in. You know you want to. Take the saucepan off the stove and mix in the sugar, eggs, vanilla and some salt if you’re using unsalted butter until it’s all combined. Stir in the dry ingredients (flour and cocoa powder) and pour into your lined brownie pan thing. 

Using a whizz stick or processor, mix the cream cheese, sugar, egg yolk and vanilla together until there are no lumps unless you like lumps. Each to their own. Then dollop onto the brownie batter and swirl, twirl and make pretty patterns. You know you want to.

Throw it into the oven (not actually, you don’t want to make even more of a mess than you already have) for 35-45 minutes until the edges are slightly puffy and your brownie has set. I say that but I baked mine for 40 minutes so that the brownie still hadn’t set and it was partly cakey partly gooey. Delicious.

Then eat. EAT THEM ALL AND DON’T SHARE WITH ANYONE!!! Then as you go about your day, it’ll be a bit like this:

They see me waddlin'. They hatin'.

Yeah they do. 

Do you add your own spin to recipes or are you paranoid it’ll all go wrong if you do?

Do you bake often? If so, what is your favourite thing to bake?

Irish Funny Man for Breakfast

No not really.

Howdy hey, my amazing friends! 

Thank you for your kind responses on this post. It’s a shame that so many of us feel pressure to look a certain way but I like to believe that we look the way we do for a reason. So let’s be kind to our bodies and treat them with the utmost respect, mmkay?

I have had a pretty awesome week. Do you know this guy?

Dylan Moran!

(Source)

If you don’t know who Dylan Moran is then you have not experienced life. There, I said it. If that is the case, let me give you the low down.

He is Irish.

Enough said………………………………Naaah, just kidding. 

He is a comedian who has starred in a very funny little show called Black Books and has popped up in movies such as Run Fat Boy Run and Shaun of the Dead. Let’s just say if you haven’t seen any of that, you are missing out.

Tuesday this week, I went to see him live. Oh. My. Fibula. It was so hilarious!! You can watch some of his stuff on YouTube if you don’t believe me. It was almost the best day of my life. I was so sad when it was over!

[Cue change of topic here]

Smooth.

So, this week has been an interesting week breakfast food-wise. I haven’t been craving oatmeal at all which is strange for me. Perhaps it’s the change in weather or the fact that there are only so many times that you can have the same kind of oats for breakfast in the morning, but it was time for a change.

Dun duuuuuunnn.

Toasted Muesli with branflakes and strawbz.

My dear friend makes this muesli for me of which I am forever grateful! But I don’t enjoy it high and dry ’cause that’s just gross. 

Why that's yoghurt and more strawbz.

And there was soy milk on the side as well. I can’t just have yoghurt and cereal. I like my cereal soggy, thank you very much. I have to say that this change of pace at breakfast has certainly gone down a treat and it saves me about 5 minutes in the morning which is very much needed. It takes me about 2 hours to get ready in the mornings for work. That is, I shower (sometimes wash my hair, sometimes not), make my lunch, make breakfast, eat breakfast, get into my uncomfy tight pants, slap on some make up and head out the door. Luckily, I start work at 9:30 so I don’t have to get up at stupid o’clock. 6:30 is stupid enough for me.

What have you been enjoying for breakfast lately?

If you have oats, how do you have them? I need some new ideas!!! Also, does putting egg whites in oats make them taste overpoweringly eggy? Or is there just a hint?

Do you share my love for Dylan Moran?

What I learnt Whilst Watching The Kardashians

Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding on my last post. There is a part of me that feels that I need to to keep these issues deep down inside of me because I should come across as strong and confident. Why? I don’t know. If you met me on the street you probably wouldn’t think that I had an eating disorder or had any mental issues whatsoever. I am quite a bubbly person and can appear confident even though I am shaking in my little space boots. So again, thank you 🙂

This weekend has been such a 180 compared to last weekend in terms of weather! Last weekend it was snowing and this weekend the sun is out and it’s 12 degrees Celsius! Can I get a woop woop? No? Fine.

I spent a lot of my Saturday watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians because that’s how I roll. Seriously, if you tell me that you do not like that show I am not going to believe you. However there was an episode that I saw that really got to me. It was the one where Kourtney is desperate to get into shape for a Life & Style shoot because she’s not completely back to her pre-baby bod yet. She was doing this shoot in order to show Mums out there that is is possible to get back into shape after having a baby. So in order to get back to optimum shape, she decided that she was going to take time off of work to workout 2 times a day and concentrate on her eating habits. At one point, Kourtney got into a fight with her boyfriend, Scott, because she wanted to go to the gym but Scott needed to work and she had intended on him looking after baby Mason while she was at the gym. Then she said, “You think that this meeting you have is more important than me going to the gym for my Life & Style shoot?!” Really? Really?! She then went to the gym and Scott cancelled his meeting. A day or two later, Khloe received a phone call saying that Kourtney had collapsed whilst running on the beach in the morning. When Khloe arrived, Kourtney was hooked up to an IV and was looking like death. She admitted that she hadn’t eaten anything that morning. In fact, she had barely eaten anything for the last few days.

Why am I telling you this?

Firstly, her approach was unrealistic. I can’t even begin to imagine the pressure she was under in order to have a bangin’ post-baby bod for a photo shoot. But her intention was to show woman that they can get back into shape after having a baby. What message would she be giving if she said that in order to get back to her old body, she hardly ate anything and worked out twice a day and ended up passing out due to supreme exhaustion?

I know I sound like I’m getting at her here but the only reason I am is because this is what I used to be like. I can completely relate and it just pisses me off that my priorities were once as fucked up as that. I used to skip any social occasion so that I could destroy my body exercise-wise. I would eat a piece of fruit here, a bowl of that there to get me through these workouts and for what? What was I trying to achieve? Was I trying to please anyone but myself? Was I even pleasing myself at all? Not really. What is wrong with just being and looking like a “normal” person? Why do we have to have muscles bulging from our arms or a flat stomach? I enjoy lifting weights in order to feel strong but there is no way in hell that I would ever go back to the gym to achieve a look that I know I would not be able to sustain in the long run. That’s just me. I have an obsessive nature and so when I commit myself to something, I will become completely obsessed. Therefore, no gym for me. No, no, no. I have way too many awful memories of running like a mouse in spinning wheel to ever want to go back.

I tried for so long to look like so many different people who I completely idolised. Jessica Alba was most certainly one of them. I would stare at pictures of her and wish for a body like that. I would work out according to how websites said she did. I would eat how she ate. I would do everything that someone else did, but why? Was I hoping that I was going to spontaneously turn into them? Why did I fight so hard to change my looks? Whatever happened to becoming the best version of me that I could be? Why do I have to look like somebody else? Well…

I don’t.

Apparently, I thought that if I looked different, I would love myself or at least accept myself. And maybe others would like me more. These days I realise that this body is my only body. It takes me from A to B when I need it to. It keeps me warm and lets me know when there is something is wrong. It has stood strong after all of these years that I have abused it and it still wants to function even though there are many reasons as to why it shouldn’t. For that I am eternally grateful.

What I am trying to say is that we should not abuse bodies in order to please anyone. We need to be the best versions of us that we can be. Our bodies will look the way that they want to in order for them to function at their best. No matter how hard you wished for something else, this is all you’ve got. Work with it. Roll with it. Krump with it if you’re that way inclined. (I know I am.) Because the fact of the matter is this: You are you. You are the only you and there is only one chance in this world to be you. Beautiful you. Strong you. Brave you. No matter what you look like there is someone that will always love you for you. Your smile, your love, your personality. Not your legs or your abs or the size of biceps. And hopefully there will come a day where you can see that no one actually gives a shit about your weight, the food you eat or whether or not you exercise. All they give a shit about is YOU.

Have you seen that episode? What did you think?

Do you have any thoughts on this subject?

Your Thighs Do Not Define You

It is now official that the novelty of this polar blast has now gone kaput. Please can it stop precipitating. I don’t really enjoy having wet feeties at work. Is that too much to ask?

I hope not. 

I forgot to mention how much I love all of your comments on my Comparison Trap post. Seriously, you guys rock. I was afraid to hit publish on that post because I was worried that I was going to get some nasty comments but thankfully the meanies haven’t found me yet.

Today, I wanted to talk about another kind of comparison trap. That is, comparing your body to others. If you’re new to my blog and myself, then you may not know that I am well into recovery for an eating disorder (hence the recent post) so don’t be shocked if I start talking about food, weight and body image. 

Lately, I have been having a hard time accepting my ever changing body. When I finally became comfortable with it, it continued to change even though that wasn’t my intention. Then the worst thing ever happened – my thighs started to touch.

Hooooooooly craaaaaaaaaap, Katy, that’s just the worst! 

I know, right?

Seriously, why should this even be a problem? How self-centred of me. Surely there are more important things to worry about in my life. Well, the reason I started to see this as a problem is because there are so many people in the blog world that eat so much more than me but still have a gap between their legs. As I type this I just want to slap my palm into my face because this just seems so silly but I’m trying to be honest here. I see people on the blog world eating much healthier than me, exercising more than me and sleeping so much more than me. This is what I meant by my comparison trap post. DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP! 

Our bodies are all made differently. No matter how much we want them to look a certain way, they are going to look the way they were born to look, crave the foods they thrive on and feel fatigue when they need rest. I used to push my body to look a certain way and that only made me look like balding bobble head. I craved for that gap between my legs because to me, that was control. That was beauty. That was success. Sick, no? But what I do remember from this time is longing to look like the beautiful curvy women that I would see everywhere. They looked so healthy, happy and beautiful. I would wish that I could take a pill to make me look like them. That would make me gain the weight in a snap without having to go through the uncomfortable weight gain process. 

Now that I’ve made it through the weight gain and I have reached the weight that my old dietician set for me, I know that I look a lot like those girls that I thought were so beautiful. And I really do feel pretty some days. But I can’t seem to get over the unusual sensation of my thighs touching. My thighs always used to touch pre-ED so why is this such a problem? Why do I think that my thighs define who I am? They DON’T! 

So what does define me? My bubbly personality? My love for everything Antarctica, the colour purple and cheesy British humour? My kindness? My love to bake? My determination? My adoration of my Family? Doesn’t all of this (and more) count in the definition of who I am? 

It does.

When you are having these bouts of extreme body consciousness, think about what is really bothering you. By that I mean, what is happening in your life that you are trying to distract yourself from. For me, I know that when times in my life get tough or if there are things going on around me that I can’t seem to control or accept, I turn to my body for that control or peace of mind. Make a list of the things that are stressing you out. Then compare this to what you are turning your thoughts on to. In the grand scheme of things, do the size of your thighs really matter? Is the world going to end if you don’t get your workout in? Does the number on the scale matter to your lecturers, your teachers or even your friends? Have you ever asked your friends if they would stop being your friend if you gained some weight? Probably not because you’re not a crazy. And if you have, how did that go? Did they give you the “WTF” face? 

I guess what I’m trying to do here is collect my thoughts together. I know right from wrong. I know that I’m just hearing stories in my head. These thoughts are just scribbles and brain farts in my head – they are not fact. Thoughts are not facts. 

If this has made any sense and you’ve managed to get through it all, I thank you for reading. This post has been one big thought vomit. Yum.

Have you ever been extremely conscious of your body changing? How did you deal with it?

Do you compare yourself to others?

Anything you want to add?