I am Titanium

I’m feeling quite low at the moment so I wanted to turn my mood around my doing some writing and reflecting on my life.

I remember when my troubles started like it was yesterday. I was sitting down on the couch and for some reason or other I looked down at my tummy only to see what seemed like massive rolls of fat protruding over my trousers. My heart sank. I went to look in the mirror to see what my tummy looked like whilst standing up and a wave of sadness and disgust came over me as I grabbed the fat in my hand. I immediately went to weigh myself and then came up the highest number that I had ever seen on the scales.

It was that moment that I told myself that I would do anything it took to lose all the unsightly weight.

You know how the rest goes.

For years I punished myself for getting to that weight. I would read pro-ana blogs to give me motivation. I would watch channel E! so that I could look at all the skinny celebs for inspiration. I would exercise until I could no more. I would eat bland and and low-calorie food  while watching others eat sandwiches, chocolate, chips. It made me feel superior. 

But at the same time, I would yearn to be able to eat the same foods as these people without feeling any guilt – without putting on weight and feeling like a fat pig.

Then one day in 2007, I literally woke up one morning and just didn’t want to do it anymore. Before I knew it, I was a healthy weight, all the while still thinking disordered thoughts and acting on them without realising. Yes, I was a healthy weight but I still had an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. 

In 2008, I fell in love and stopped caring about food and exercise. I started going out on Saturday’s without worrying about having to do any exercise and I genuinely started to have fun without anorexia. There was a time during that year where I don’t even remember having the disorder in my head. I remember sitting on the bus and thinking, “Wow, I haven’t thought about food or had disordered thoughts for a long time. Life is good.”

And then I joined a gym.

That was probably the worst thing that I could ever have done. The reasoning behind it, however, was because I started to put on a whole lot of weight in that relationship and I hated how I looked. Little did I know that it was really the eating disorder coming alive again.

It started at a few times a week. Then 4 times. Then everyday. Then to the point where I couldn’t go a day without destroying myself on a machine like a mouse in a wheel. I was exhausted. I became a terrible girlfriend. I was insecure, irritable, snappy and I had just lost my spark. He saw it too. I was on the phone to him one evening and he was talking to me about how I would always put the gym before him. I really had no excuse for it. He then told me to “wake the fuck up”. He said he wanted to smack me round the head just to knock some sense into me.

You can imagine how I took that. I hung up. It was this point where I completely lost all respect for him. I no longer loved him the way I did. 

For 6 more months I stayed in the relationship because I didn’t want to break up with him and regret it. I relied on him so much. I was so reliant on him that I could even call the doctor for a pill prescription because it freaked the fuck out of me. He had to do everything for me. 

 Then came the night where I got a phone call. It was him and he was crying. “I think you know what I’m going to say so I won’t. I wish it was different, Katy.” He was crying. I wasn’t. 

I was actually relieved. It meant that I could spend more time at the gym without feeling guilty. Two weeks later it finally hit me what had happened.

Fuck. He’s not coming back. I’m all alone. What the fuck am I going to do?

The downward spiral happened. I went from bad to worse. Borderline to so far away from the line that the line became a dot in the distance. Everyday I would wake up and want it to be over already. I would sit at my computer devoting my time to an eating disorder recovery forum because that was the only place where I actually felt at ease. I felt that I could relate to the people on there and that I wasn’t alone. But as I read about people on there recovering and eating more, I was so jealous of them because it was something that I just couldn’t do. It was like I wasn’t allowed to eat. They can do it but I can’t, I would think.

But why?

The day that changed my life was the day that I went to the hospital for a consultation with CREDS (the eating disorder specialists in Wellington). They basically told me that if I don’t change, I will die. They wanted me to go into their inpatient programme immediately and stop studying until I have my health under control.

I cried. Oh lord, did I cry.

I went home and cried. I told my Dad and cried. We cried together. He told me he would help me through this no matter what. That night he helped me get through my first dinner that didn’t just consist of chicken, salad and a potato.

That day was a massive turning point for me and i will never forget it.

I managed to bargain my way out of going into IP somehow. I then lost contact with CREDS altogether because I didn’t want to be associated with them anymore. I had a devoted family and as well as a supportive doctor and counsellor that I felt I didn’t need CREDS help anymore. I was determined to do this on my own now. It was time to turn this around.

I went from a sad, lonely and quiet girl to a happy, healthy and energetic woman. I have goals, I have friends and I have people that I see every week. Sure, I have had set backs like my anxiety disorder becoming rampant at times but that is nothing compared to what I have been through in the past.

Recent events such as my Nan’s passing and my Mum’s break-up have made me realise how bloody strong I am.

No matter what thoughts pop into my head, I have made it a habit of doing the right thing for me  and no one else.  I have gone from being afraid of eating an apple for a snack to eating muffins and chocolate. Sure, they may not be the healthiest snacks but they sure are the most satsifying of snacks after having deprived myself for so long.

Food is not only fuel but it is pleasure. It gives you a zest for life that nothing else can give you. Without food, you are nothing. Without energy, you have no drive. This past year has been the hardest year I have ever experienced but it has been the most rewarding.

I started my first ever working job last June, I went to England in November last year, I developed anxiety and have found ways if controlling it. And in March this year, I started my honours degree in meteorology. This is what has been getting me down recently because I don’t feel as though I’m smart enough to be doing this. I work so hard and find that I don’t know as much as the other people in my class. Then when I start to feel dumb, I begin to lose faith in myself and lose all motivation. 

I know that nothing worth having comes easy so why is this any different? 

I know that I can do this. I know I have it in me. I just need to realise this. Believe it. Even if I don’t believe it – fake it. I have it in me somewhere. 

I will make mistakes and I will succeed. I will learn from my mistakes and be motivated by my successes. I will fall down sometimes but true strength is when you are able to pick yourself back up again.

I have done this already and I can do it again.

I will stop being so proud and ask for help. Just because I don’t have a meteorological background, doesn’t mean that I can’t know as much as the rest of the people in my class. I just need to work a bit harder than they do. 

I can do this. I will do this.

No more excuses. No more saying that I want to quit.

I’m not a quitter.  

“You shoot me down but I won’t go. I am titanium.”

Trying to Find Balance With Life

This is pretty much my life right now. There are so many things going on, what with Mum and uni, that all I want to do is lay down on my bed and watch crappy TV. Anybody else feel this way?

Unfortunately, that’s not going to get me anywhere. I guess I’m just almost at the brink of exhaustion right now. I’m doing my best to look after myself and that is eating regularly, exercising when I feel like it (not going overboard), and balancing work and family but it’s all getting a little too much. 

Thankfully, my Mother hasn’t been relying on me too much so I can carry on with my life as I would without her constantly contacting me but right now my work load has sky rocketed and I’m feeling overwhelmed. 

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love what I’m studying and I love the people in my class, etc. But it’s like there aren’t enough hours in the day. And even if there were, I would be falling asleep through it all anyway.

 My supervisor has noticed that I’m looking extremely worn down of late and when I go to his office he regularly comments on it.

It’s very hard to find the right balance between study and rest and I feel guilty for letting myself rest because I have people expecting things of me. Trouble is that if I don’t rest, then I will have a break down and won’t be able to study for maybe a week.

Balance is a very hard for a perfectionist to figure out.

On a happier note, I will be updating my Smartie Pie tab soon. I am learning so much awesome material in my lectures and I can’t wait to share it all with you! (Well not all of it, mind you, but some.)  

Do you struggle with finding a balance between work and rest? How do you deal with it? 

Mamma Mia…

So…it’s kind of been a while, hasn’t it?

My life has been extremely stressful of late. Not due to my own happenings but because my Mum’s partner broke up with her about a month ago and Mum hasn’t been taking it very well.

She came to stay with me and Dad for about 3 weeks which was by no means easy. It’s not easy to see you Mum cry, threaten to kill herself and rely on you to keep her sane.

I have to concentrate on my studies on top of all this and it is just so damn hard. I just don’t even know what to do, to be honest. I’ve talked to my counsellor and she’s telling me to take a step back and stop acting like her mum but if I did, I would feel like I would be abandoning her.

I’ve been giving Mum a lot of tools to help her move forward and she has been taking them onboard but it’s like I have to constantly remind her what it is that I told her last.

What irks me is that they have a son together and her ex doesn’t even seem to care. It’s sick.

I am currently sitting on Mum’s couch because a few months ago I had already organised to see her – not expecting to see her prior to this. All I’ve been witnessing is her ex and herself fighting back and forth. I have lost all respect for her ex, K. She broke up with her a month after her mum died, and then she proceeds to treat her like shit.

Thankfully, I’m sitting with her doggy, Harry, and he is making me happy to be here…sort of.

Suffice it to say I have been struggling with my anxiety during this period but it could be so much worse, I guess.

 My Easter break ends this week and I’m back to regular lectures. Uni is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. Well, uni, my Dad and, my friends. I don’t know what I would do without them.

On a positive note, I have been learning a lot from this experience and it just goes to show how much I have learnt from my own experiences and I am only 22! Mum suffers from major depression which doesn’t help her situation but I think the fact that she is receiving advice from someone who has overcome their own depression makes it easier for her to take advice from me.

Hopefully the next time I update, I have something happier to talk about. I’m very sick of all this change. I need some stability. Just for a little while.

xxx 

The ‘A’ Word

Yep, this week has been tough due to, yes, the ‘A’ word. 

I hate that word. I hate what the word means, what it represents for me and how it cripples me. If you don’t know what it is, the word is:

Anxiety.

It came out of the blue. On Sunday night, my Brother stayed over because his wife was away and he was feeling sad and lonely. On Monday morning when I got out of the shower, he told me that he couldn’t face going into work that day because he was feeling like crap. Not physically but mentally. 

This was when the anxiety started.

I think it’s safe to say that I worry too much. I worry that my family aren’t happy and when they’re feel grief, I want to take it all away from them and feel it for them because I would rather myself suffer than to know that they are suffering. I’m used to suffering from emotional distress anyway but it just doesn’t work like that. My Brother went home Monday night and as the week drew on, the anxiety was becoming so crippling that I couldn’t face the world and yet I literally forced myself to go into work no matter how sick I felt because I knew that I couldn’t hide away. I knew that the anxiety would lessen eventually but I just had to get myself to work. 

On Wednesday, I emailed the Student Counselling Services and made an appointment for the next day. I had to kick this is the butt fast. And you know what? Seeking help that day was the best thing I could have done. Not only did the counsellor help me with my anxiety, she helped me to realise that my family are upset because they are still grieving the loss of my Grandmother. I am as well but I guess I’m focussing on my family’s well being in order to take the focus off of mine. The counsellor gave me some tips as to how I can calm myself down and be kind to myself when I feel like I’m about to have an attack. Seriously, this woman helped me so much.

Up until this appointment, I had been unable to eat properly all week and as soon as I left her office, I pulled out my cookies and ate them as I walked to work. I felt at peace and I felt OK about everything going on. I still hate the fact that my family is hurting but that’s what happens when someone we love dies and we just have to let them grieve in their own way. The grief lessens over time but right now the pain is still raw, especially for my Mum, and I have to let them deal with it in their own way. People die all the time and even though it sucks so – freaking – much, we just have to accept it.

Today, I’m going to be kind to myself and catch up on all the food that I have missed this week. I’m going to paint my nails, bask in the sunshine and go out for some retail therapy. 

I want to thank Hedda, Sam, Marina, Kate, Jess, Scarlett and Kirsty for helping me so much via Twitter this week. You have no idea how much I appreciate your love and support and the fact that you guys believed in me really made me believe that I could get through it. Thank you all so much <3

Anna and Cara, you are both so amazing and I don’t know where I would be without you two. You are rocks in my life and I feel so grateful to have you both as friends. Love you crazy girlies <3

Question: Do you have any tips on managing anxiety?